Tonight I feel like a loser.
I had my garden class, which I love, but the challenge for me was working in a group within which I was the odd man out. My whole drive home I tried to understand the lesson in it for me. Why was I placed with the 2 sisters? (Both of whom work together in landscaping, both of whom are sisters.) I felt so speechless, so insular, so debilated by what they knew and I didn't and our different styles of gardening. I didn't get the inside jokes, I didn't jive with their debate.
So, instead, I sunk into myself feeling small and alone and intimidated. And I said nothing.
Then, as we went around the room critiquing each other's designs, I put my foot in my mouth and blasted someone else's well thought out plan with a "Well, I would have stayed true to a Garry Oak ecosystem and planted blah blah blah..." Why? Why do I do that? A whole 3 hours of thinking shot to shit in one sentence. And the thing is, I do that.
This is how it goes...
Say something stupid.
Try to cover up the stupid thing I said by saying something even stupider.
Try to cover that up, and so on.
By the end of the class I felt like a gigantic zit that people just want to pop and get rid of. Nice analogy, I know, but that's how I feel.
Perhaps tonight is just this. Hypersensitive, analytical, insecure. I suppose I'm due...it's been, what? a week...a day?
Perhaps I just need some sleep. Perhaps that's it.
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fuck, why do we do that? I hate letting myself feel small instead of just acknowledging that I too come into a situation with experience and thoughts, valid ones that I needn't feel I have to prove. I used to do that in my seminars at grad school and because of it, I am still intimidated to do my defense. As far as the critique, perhaps because you were feeling insecure you are making it bigger in your head than it was. It was a critique after all... and, that person may not feel that a whole 3 hours of thinking was shot to shit in one sentence. They might think, "those were interesting comments, but I don't necessarily agree with them" and move on. They may not be like you and me sister, who harp on it and beat ourselves up over it. Or they might think "geez, that Kirsten is so smart and has really great vision".
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, go to sleep. but first read this...
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I remember that. Nelson Mandela. Our mantle, Haultain.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ines. I love you so much.