Day 220: To Me.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tonight is my New Year's eve.

Every year it's the same thing. I sit, in the last hours of my year, and write about what was what of significance. I reflect on my growth, or not, on things that might not have happened that I hoped would have, on what did happen that I didn't expect. I write about what will, what I hope will, what I will will to happen and think and dream in this next year, my next year, and how I might change.

In my last hours of this last year I ready myself to begin anew.

I suppose this has been a big year for us. We have Buddy now. That's major. He is such a beacon for us all. There is so much more laughter, chaos, fun, singing, playing, destruction and upheaval because of him. He is the cherry on top of our family. The best plan I ever made.

My Little has gotten so big this year. She is growing up so fast and it scares me. I've driven by her new school 3 times thinking that it looked so big, and she's so small. But, she's not. It won't surprise me one bit when she wraps it and everyone around her little finger. Big things lay ahead for her, I know this. She is so smart, I mean SO smart. She's got a way with people, she's a great communicator, she's got a sharp memory. She will be a leader like her dad, of that I am sure.

Then there's this house. We moved across the country back home, to our forever house, which wasn't the plan but ended up being the plan. What a pleasant surprise to have ended up here, with all it's quirks and potential, to a dream come true. This garden will be my big break. When I look out the kitchen window at the high-maintenace terraced mess, at invasive species and bare patches, "What have we gotten ourselves into" slowly yields to unlimited possibility. This yard can be anything, and it WILL be beautiful. More than anything, though, it is a steep learning curve towards realizing myself as a master gardener/designer. Already, I have learned so much...and this is only the beginning.

I give my husband (almost) all the credit for seeing this and choosing here. He said on the phone that day, as I waited impatiently for him to call with his verdict on this second choice (after having retracted our first offer on a super old character house in town that kept us up all night fretting, and would have put us in the poor house over and over again with the constant repairs)...he said, "I think you should give it another look...I think you'll really like it." And the second time I came out to look the previous owners were gone, which they weren't the first round and if you were to meet them you'd get why we left in such a hurry...but the second look they were gone and we got to linger in the rooms and in the garden and talk about the possibilities and it all just kind of made sense. Twenty years flashed before our eyes, our kids at school, as teenagers, an eventual hottub under grapevines, fruit trees, a treehouse. It just all made sense.

So, here we are in our forever house. At the beginning of it. And THAT is something big.

To myself, to you. Well, this year I HAVE to start running again. I have to. I know how I feel when I do, and I know how I feel when I don't. So, do.
I've been thinking about how much energy I had that year in Toronto when I ran 3 times a week. I sewed late into the night, went for long lingering walks with child and dog, explored museums and neighbourhoods and the zoo. That was a good year and running was a major part of that. This year, my 36th year, I will run again.

There is so much to explore here too. So many gardens to visit and study, so much nature. A whole world of wonder to discover. I have to give that to my kids. I have to. And as hard as it is sometimes to pull myself away from the tv or the computer or being exhausted, I know that being outside is better for them and for me, than locking ourselves in all day and hiding. That's me, not them. I can be really good at hiding.

So, this year I will embrace life and hide only when appropriate.

I think, though, this past year I've done pretty good. Selling our house in Ottawa was major and, might I say, I did a pretty darn good job of preparing for that. All the trips we took, to Montreal and New York, all the hotels we stayed in as we moved. And I think I've done a good job of being a captain's wife. I've handled social deals fairly well, without putting my foot in my mouth as I have done in the past. I've refined my way a bit. I would say that I have supported my husband adequately and sucked it up for the family when he's been gone. And this year he will probably be gone even more. But, that's OK. Because we're OK and I'm OK and we've got a good family and I am a strong and smart and tough cookie who is somebody.

So, all that to say, Happy Birthday to me. You did it! And this year, my 36th year, is going to be the best one yet!